You Were Bad Enough

‘I’ll recover when I get to XX kg’ ‘I’m not bad enough to get help’ ‘If I was ill someone would have noticed.’ ‘I want to be worse before I get better’ ‘I’m not bad enough’

Sounds familiar right?

I hate that the stigmas of mental illness steer us towards stereotypes – we have to act a certain way or look a certain way to be seen as ill or be treated with the understanding and respect we deserve. Like just because I never collapsed into a bundle of bones on the floor, I don’t get thrown the life ring.

I feel like in a way I am writing this to convince myself that I was ‘bad enough’ – whatever that means. As if everything I lost wasn’t enough, as if the rest of my life has to be dictated by the voice in my head telling me I could have been worse.

No one in a good place mentally wants to be ill. It is not a sign of failure it is a symptom of sickness. If you have a voice in your head telling you that you aren’t bad enough, then you are bad enough.

What we want to hear is ‘yes, I can see that you are hurting, you don’t have to show me through your body.’ But that isn’t reality. For most of us, our body disappearing doesn’t come close to reflecting what we have lost of our soul.

Things To Smile About

Someone just kissed their newborn baby on the head for the first time.

Someone found out they were going to be a grandparent.

Someone got into their dream university.

Someone forgave themselves.

Someone just found out that their cancer is gone.

Someone found their forever family.

————————————————————————————–

Today was the best day of someone’s life.

Tomorrow could be the best day of yours, stay for that.

A x

Helping A Friend With A Mental Illness

Many people struggle with their mental health, and sometimes it can be hard to talk about, people feel vulnerable and judged because of the stigma. So, I’ve put together a list of tips and tricks that I have found helpful when dealing with my own mental illnesses as well as those around me. Please comment any questions you have underneath and I’ll do my very best to help.

• Don’t say you completely understand what they are feeling/going through, because even if you did have the same diagnoses – everyone’s experience is different, and It can feel quite invalidating to have someone act as if they know exactly how you feel, especially when it is very difficult to cope with.

Instead try saying “I might not understand what you are going through, but I will try to, and I won’t judge anything to tell me” Possibly adding the fact that you aren’t going to abandon them as a friend because of this.

• Open the conversation yourself – you can feel like it’s going to be awkward but I’m sure your friend will really appreciate that you have noticed and that you care about them – even if they might not show it at the time.
• Try to ensure that you are not under time pressure but in case they do want to talk about it and begin to really open up. Give them time.
• Allow them to leave if they want to.

The three points above can be quite difficult so here is something to get you started if you need it: “I understand what I’m about to say might be uncomfortable for you but just hear me out. I have noticed recently that you seem to be struggling and I’d like to help if I can because you mean a lot to me and I don’t what you to be alone in this, we don’t have to talk about it now but if you ever want to talk about it then anytime.

• Don’t force them into anything – people aren’t going to get better if they really don’t want to. However, you could suggest professional help if they aren’t receiving this.
• Don’t make them feel guilty – the likelihood is that your friend already feels guilty for one thing or another, that is the nature if mental illness, saying things like “you’re always bringing the mood down” or “it’s so awkward when you don’t eat” IS NOT HELPFUL– if anything this will make them retreat into themselves and be less accepting of help.
• Don’t treat them any differently – they are still the same person they were before you found out they had a mental illness. Remind them of this – they are not their diagnosis, even if it is all-consuming.
• Try not to become defensive when they open up for example: “you don’t look depressed/anorexic/etc” “yeah but you don’t do this stereotypical thing”
• Be patient, mental illness is not something that goes away overnight, sometimes it can take years of fighting to feel ‘better’.
• When they are facing a fear, such as eating in front of people or going to a social event, they probably don’t want all the focus to be on them. However, after it is over or when the time feels right, it can be beneficial to acknowledge that they have battled through and you know it wasn’t a walk in the park. (Unless it literally was a walk in the park then maybe you can make that terrible joke?!) Saying “I know it’s hard but I’m so proud of you”.

Other ideas of how you could improve their day just a little include:

• Give them compliments – try to avoid commenting on body though, but maybe their hair/outfit/handwriting
• Leave a little kind note or card when they aren’t expecting it. One time my friend left a card on my front windscreen and I found it when I got home, and it reminded me that people cared.
• Don’t exclude them, even if they try to isolate themselves. Don’t stop inviting them just because they usually say no.
• Try to be understanding if your friend cancels plans – it okay to be hurt by this, but it’s also helpful to remember that most of the time it is their illness which has hurt you, not the person themselves.

 

Most importantly, remember to look after yourself. Take time to care for yourself and if at any point it feels like too much or you believe your friend is in danger – tell someone else. You don’t have to carry this alone.

Lots of Love

Abbie x

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