What I Wish I’d Said

‘I’m really trying, just give me a little more time.’

‘I need more help.’

‘This is my body and you don’t get to have an opinion on it.’

‘You are one of the best things that ever happened to me……’

‘I’m so unbelievably proud of you.’

‘I’m not sorry and I stand by what I say.’

‘That really hurt me, and you don’t get to tell me it didn’t.’

‘No.’

What is something that you wish you’d said?

You Were Bad Enough

‘I’ll recover when I get to XX kg’ ‘I’m not bad enough to get help’ ‘If I was ill someone would have noticed.’ ‘I want to be worse before I get better’ ‘I’m not bad enough’

Sounds familiar right?

I hate that the stigmas of mental illness steer us towards stereotypes – we have to act a certain way or look a certain way to be seen as ill or be treated with the understanding and respect we deserve. Like just because I never collapsed into a bundle of bones on the floor, I don’t get thrown the life ring.

I feel like in a way I am writing this to convince myself that I was ‘bad enough’ – whatever that means. As if everything I lost wasn’t enough, as if the rest of my life has to be dictated by the voice in my head telling me I could have been worse.

No one in a good place mentally wants to be ill. It is not a sign of failure it is a symptom of sickness. If you have a voice in your head telling you that you aren’t bad enough, then you are bad enough.

What we want to hear is ‘yes, I can see that you are hurting, you don’t have to show me through your body.’ But that isn’t reality. For most of us, our body disappearing doesn’t come close to reflecting what we have lost of our soul.

Glad That I’m Alive

I must have tried almost 100 times to write this post, but every time, the thoughts come out jumbled and don’t make any sense; or they make me sound selfish, attention seeking, fake. Both of which end with me pressing the delete button. However, I know I can’t possibly be alone in feeling like this. I’m hoping that in sharing this post with you, however uncomfortable it makes me feel, it will let you feel less alone. I’m hoping that by sharing this, the guilt I feel for having these thoughts might finally lesson, knowing that I am not the only one that feels this way.

It seems to me that the only anorexics that don’t want to go to hospital are the ones who have already been there. I know that maybe that is because they have experienced the horrors of inpatient, but I think that a certain validation is achieved, that those of us who have never been there, are still searching for. Those of us to whom tempting death isn’t an option. 

I have craved validation and safety and help. I know I’m not alone in that. I’ve always felt that unless I got ‘bad enough’ to be admitted to hospital, I never really achieved anything – and there was no reason to my so-called recovery. Maybe it’s because I need people to know the pain I’ve felt, because otherwise it feels pointless, like I’ve suffered for nothing. Why do I have to suffer if no one cares and I don’t achieve anything. 

My mind is like a battlefield, the two sides fighting so hard that I can’t even work out what they are saying anymore and it’s all just one big jumbly mess that I can’t make sense of and its constant. It’s like that feeling mid panic attack when your thoughts are racing but it’s always and I’m exhausted. Recovery or relapse, I always end up somewhere in the middle, wishing for one or the other to take me in its arms and hold on tightly. 

Sometimes I hate the fact that I feel jealous of the people who are still so in the grips of the disorder, but that is the disorder trying to reel me back in, to pull me back into a miserable, terrifying existence. That is not what you want, you want the opposite of that but maybe you don’t know how to say it or how to feel it yet but you will, because life always finds a way, you know and I think maybe life is finding a way some of the time, which is a relief because it feels like it’s been too long coming to this. But eventually, soon enough, I will feel better and I won’t be as scared anymore and I can succeed at being me and not at being thin or broken or fragile or sucked into a glamourized illness, I can have a good old go at just being me and living the life I want to live, safely, without being watched all the time.

I can live at university and I can study, and I can be up till 4 am watching tv and eating popcorn, or fruit salad or pizza and it doesn’t matter because I will be free of all of the voices. And maybe it seems too good to be true at the moment, but maybe soon it might become reachable and I’m so thankful for the people who have helped me exist and not destroy myself from the inside out, because I tried really hard. And my disorder is here saying ‘not hard enough though, you didn’t try hard enough to destroy yourself because otherwise you wouldn’t still be here.’ But guess what I am, and I am glad that I am alive. 

Stay Safe,

Abbie xx

please note:  when I refer to anorexia I am talking from my experience and obviously all eating disorders are valid.

A Waiting Game

Getting treatment for any illness can be difficult. Although we are very lucky to have the NHS here in the UK, it can be frustrating because the system is overworked and overwhelmed. However, when it comes to mental illness its a whole different ball game. Especially concerning eating disorders.

It takes a long time to ask for help, and then when we ask, we are met with ‘you aren’t bad enough yet‘ ‘have you ever fainted… no, okay well we don’t need to worry yet‘ ‘your bloods are okay for the moment‘. It kind of feels like they are daring us to get worse, to prove that we need help, in reality everyone is just doing their best. Every professional has to wait, to get permission, funding, bed space. Its the people at the top who have no other choice but to play games with our lives. To choose who is next. Next to get therapy. Next to be discharged. Next to be admitted. Next to disappear and slip through the system.

It’s left until there is almost none of you left, until there is only the illness. Until, for some, it’s too late.

It’s a waiting game. But it’s not a game, it’s not russian roulette, just waiting, waiting, waiting – seeing if the bullet is for you or the next person. Waiting for the choice that could save your life.

 

Stay Safe,

Abbie xx

I’m Not That Girl

‘To not have your suffering recognised is an almost unbearable form of violence’ – Andrei Lankov

I am not the girl who didn’t get out of bed for weeks.
I am not the girl who screamed and threw food back at my parents faces.
I am not the girl who drowned her sorrows in vodka.
I am not the girl with shattering bones from lack of nutrition.

I am the girl who asked for help and was refused time and time again.
I am the girl who could not concentrate in maths lesson because the only numbers swirling around my head were the calories in my next meal.

I am not the girl with shocking transformation pictures.
I am not the girl who was sent to hospital.
I am not the girl who received get well soon cards.

I am the girl that basically looked the same before, during and probably after the eating disorder, the only difference being the life behind the eyes.
I am the girl who didn’t quite disappear enough for anyone to notice.

I am not the girl with worrying blood tests or failing organs.
I am not the girl who refused to be weighed.
I am not the girl with the NG tube.

The thing is, I no longer want to be that girl.

I am the girl who is trying to learn how not to use her body as a language.

As a society we are often trapped in stereotypes, like if you don’t fit into the exact mould of what people expect then you don’t count. In anorexia, this can often be one of the biggest hurdles to recovery. I hope that by sharing my experience, people can begin to understand that just because they don’t meet all of the ‘anorexic ideals’, it doesn’t mean that they do not have a severe and life threatening mental illness.

Abbie xx

The Art Of Living

Sometimes when your life and mind are taken over by mental illness, you end up living in a bubble, of starving bodies, numbed minds and empty hearts. We trick ourselves into thinking that any other life isn’t worth living. But I have something to tell you. Once you pop that bubble and start to let the light in, there is a whole new world of feeling, and for the most part, its magnificent.

When you are with the people who love you most and you can feel that bubbling of contentment in your heart. When you are walking down the street and you can feel the sun on the back of your neck. When snow begins to fall and you feel like a child, so excited about the magic of snow and the perfection of each snowflake landing on you. The mix of wonder and fear that you feel during thunderstorms, when lightning strikes so close. The feeling when you take your shoes and socks off and run barefoot on the grass.

A sudden feeling of deja vu when you are playing in the garden with your friends and it feels like you are 5 years old again. When you drink a cup of tea and it is the perfect temperature, and you can feel it warming your insides. When you’ve had a cold and then realised, that you can breathe out of two nostrils again. When someone compliments you, and you feel proud of what you have overcome, not angry at the fragile body you have lost.

You feel that, that is the art of living.

Stay Safe

A xx

 

 

Helping A Friend With A Mental Illness

Many people struggle with their mental health, and sometimes it can be hard to talk about, people feel vulnerable and judged because of the stigma. So, I’ve put together a list of tips and tricks that I have found helpful when dealing with my own mental illnesses as well as those around me. Please comment any questions you have underneath and I’ll do my very best to help.

• Don’t say you completely understand what they are feeling/going through, because even if you did have the same diagnoses – everyone’s experience is different, and It can feel quite invalidating to have someone act as if they know exactly how you feel, especially when it is very difficult to cope with.

Instead try saying “I might not understand what you are going through, but I will try to, and I won’t judge anything to tell me” Possibly adding the fact that you aren’t going to abandon them as a friend because of this.

• Open the conversation yourself – you can feel like it’s going to be awkward but I’m sure your friend will really appreciate that you have noticed and that you care about them – even if they might not show it at the time.
• Try to ensure that you are not under time pressure but in case they do want to talk about it and begin to really open up. Give them time.
• Allow them to leave if they want to.

The three points above can be quite difficult so here is something to get you started if you need it: “I understand what I’m about to say might be uncomfortable for you but just hear me out. I have noticed recently that you seem to be struggling and I’d like to help if I can because you mean a lot to me and I don’t what you to be alone in this, we don’t have to talk about it now but if you ever want to talk about it then anytime.

• Don’t force them into anything – people aren’t going to get better if they really don’t want to. However, you could suggest professional help if they aren’t receiving this.
• Don’t make them feel guilty – the likelihood is that your friend already feels guilty for one thing or another, that is the nature if mental illness, saying things like “you’re always bringing the mood down” or “it’s so awkward when you don’t eat” IS NOT HELPFUL– if anything this will make them retreat into themselves and be less accepting of help.
• Don’t treat them any differently – they are still the same person they were before you found out they had a mental illness. Remind them of this – they are not their diagnosis, even if it is all-consuming.
• Try not to become defensive when they open up for example: “you don’t look depressed/anorexic/etc” “yeah but you don’t do this stereotypical thing”
• Be patient, mental illness is not something that goes away overnight, sometimes it can take years of fighting to feel ‘better’.
• When they are facing a fear, such as eating in front of people or going to a social event, they probably don’t want all the focus to be on them. However, after it is over or when the time feels right, it can be beneficial to acknowledge that they have battled through and you know it wasn’t a walk in the park. (Unless it literally was a walk in the park then maybe you can make that terrible joke?!) Saying “I know it’s hard but I’m so proud of you”.

Other ideas of how you could improve their day just a little include:

• Give them compliments – try to avoid commenting on body though, but maybe their hair/outfit/handwriting
• Leave a little kind note or card when they aren’t expecting it. One time my friend left a card on my front windscreen and I found it when I got home, and it reminded me that people cared.
• Don’t exclude them, even if they try to isolate themselves. Don’t stop inviting them just because they usually say no.
• Try to be understanding if your friend cancels plans – it okay to be hurt by this, but it’s also helpful to remember that most of the time it is their illness which has hurt you, not the person themselves.

 

Most importantly, remember to look after yourself. Take time to care for yourself and if at any point it feels like too much or you believe your friend is in danger – tell someone else. You don’t have to carry this alone.

Lots of Love

Abbie x

RESOURCES ARE UNDER THE NEED HELP SECTION ON MY BLOG

Mental Health Chat – video

This post is to go along with a youtube video – linked at the bottom of this post.

What do you say to the thoughts that you are ‘abnormal’ and that you are always going to suffer with mental health, which is a ‘negative’ thing?

• It’s a process – you might feel like you will always be like this or things I’ll never feel better but that is not the case – sometimes you have to learn to live with it and deal with the emotions or lack thereof in healthier ways and often people can recover completely.
• Unfortunately, many people out there are not educated, and the stigma is still very much apparent. People have many misconceptions about those with mental illnesses– for example we are all dangerous or violent etc.
• It is not ‘normal’, but it becomes your normality and what matters is that you can find a way to accept that and deal with it in a healthy way – to try and strive for progress not perfection.

How do you think a person who has never experienced mental illness could show a friend sensitively that they care and how do you suggest a friend can help without seeming controlling?

 (I am actually half way through writing a full blog post on this however I’ll cover whet we said in the video) FULL BLOG POST HERE

• Don’t say you completely understand what they are feeling/going through, because even if you did have the same diagnoses – everyone’s experience is different, and It can feel quite invalidating to have someone act as if they know exactly how you feel, especially when it is. Very difficult to cope with.

Instead try saying “I might not understand what you are going through, but I will try to, and I won’t judge anything to tell me”

• Open the conversation yourself – you can feel like it’s going to be awkward but I’m sure your friend will really appreciate that you have noticed and that you care about them – even if they might not show it at the time.
• Try to ensure that you are not under time pressure but in case they do want to talk about it and begin to really open up. Give them time.
• Allow them to leave if they want to.

The three points above can be quite difficult so here is something to get you started if you need it: “I understand what I’m about to say might be uncomfortable for you but just hear me out. I have noticed recently that you seem to be struggling and I’d like to help if I can because you mean a lot to me and I don’t what you to be alone in this, we don’t have to talk about it now but if you ever want to talk about it then anytime.

• Don’t force them into anything – people aren’t going to get better if they really don’t want to. However, you could suggest professional help if they aren’t receiving this.
• Don’t make them feel guilty – the likelihood is that yiur friend already feels guilty for one thing or another, that is the nature if mental illness, saying things like “you’re always bringing the mood down” or “it’s so awkward when you don’t eat” IS NOT HELPFUL – if anything this will make them retreat into themselves and be less accepting of help.
• Don’t treat them any differently – they are still the same person they were before you found out they had a mental illness.

What is your biggest motivation to get up/wake up in the morning?

• Plan the next day before so you have an aim – for example a to-do list or things to look forward to.
• Coffee or tea – even if you decide to get straight back into bed after.
• To have a happy future!

 

Have you watched our video yet?

WATCH THE VIDEO HERE

Lots of love,

A&R xx

What Lies Beyond

I want to feel like I don’t have to be scared anymore.

I don’t want to be who I am at the moment, I want to be who I’m scared to become because being scared means you are going to do something really brave. And I want to be brave and I want to fight. Now sometimes in moments of clarity maybe when I’m walking, or just sitting, I can just be, without panicking about who I’m going to become and where I’ll be in however many years. I think about how now, sometimes I can differentiate between the voices. Between me and the disorder; and if I can differentiate, I can fight and right now I feel like I want to fight, and I am excited to have a life that is not consumed by pain and fear and loss and anger.

I want to be happy and safe and to love and go on into forever. That’s what I want to feel, that’s what I want to be. Not the girl who could have been so many things, but all she cared about was getting smaller. I guess maybe that’s hard for me to remember sometimes because I still feel the disorder pulling me back into its grip. I feel like it’s not hard enough to fight it so I’m not even ill, but it is hard, and it comes back time and time again. And I want it to go away forever but I know that probably won’t ever happen, but I can wish I guess.

And maybe eventually it will happen, I hope it happens. And I hope that Rosie and Brontë and Lucie and Irini and Lily and Grace and Lauren and Liv and Jodie and everyone feels better soon, and I hope the pain eases and I hope that they feel alive again and that they feel like they are worth being alive again. And I feel proud of what they have achieved and what they are achieving every day, because it is fucking hard work and I don’t think people understand that unless they’ve been there.

More than a quarter of my life has been shrouded in darkness and I think that now maybe finally the darkness is lifting. I feel elated sometimes, that’s new and I love it, I love it so much. I am relieved because finally I’ve realised that maybe I will make it. And maybe I will get to watch my best friends get married and see the look on my parents faces when they find out they are going to be grandparents. It’s things like that that make life worth living; feeling like you’re not going to get that far kind of ruins it. But now I think I’ll get that far.

Love Abbie x

Broken Isn’t Beautiful

Broken – (of a person) having given up all hope; despairing, defeated, beaten, vanquished, overpowered, overwhelmed, subdued; demoralized, dispirited, discouraged, dejected, crushed, ruined.

Yes, we are all a bit damaged and it makes us individual and carves us into who we are. But that doesn’t mean we need to carve into our own skin to feel worthy or beautiful. I am as guilty of this as anyone – glamourising the idea of being fragile and broken. But in reality, your shoulder blades won’t turn into wings and set you free. They will bruise and hurt. The gap between your thighs won’t let more sunshine in – it will make you weak and tired and angry; because it will never be enough.

It isn’t tragically beautiful when the girl with bright blue eyes has arms stained with red, it is just tragic. It isn’t hauntingly alluring when the boy with the wonderful smile wakes at night screaming, it is just haunting.

We put the dying on a pedestal, like maybe if we could get that far, we’d feel better. But there is nothing poetic about wanting to die. Maybe it makes it a little easier to deal with, when beautiful words describe broken things.

Beautiful – pleasing the senses or mind, attractive, pretty, good-looking, pleasing, alluring, lovely, charming, delightful, appealing, engaging, glamorous, irresistible, graceful, elegant, aesthetic, magnificent.

(side note: I am not trying to offend anyone with this and I am not trying to that you can’t be broken and beautiful – but that you do not have to be broken to be beautiful.)

Abbie

xx